Here’s how this works:

You type in your message. I receive it. I stare at it for 3–5 business days trying to figure out if I’m emotionally stable enough to reply. Then I respond anyway because I have a brand to uphold.

Use this form if:

• You have a question

• You found a typo and want to emotionally ruin me

• You want to tell me your child loves pandas

• You want to tell me you love pandas

• You want to know why I’m like this (no one knows)

• You need help, support, clarification, validation, hydration reminders, or spiritual guidance

• You just want to say hi because you’re lonely and same

Do not use this form if:

• You are a robot (unless you’re a nice one)

• You’re trying to sell me SEO services

• You’re here to complain about my chaotic grammar (I fight back)

By submitting a message, you agree to the following terms:

1. I will respond eventually.

2. Eventually may or may not be today.

3. Or tomorrow.

4. Or whenever my caffeine kicks in.

5. Emotional support is free, refunds are not.

Go ahead. Type your thoughts. Yeet your message straight into my inbox like a paper airplane thrown by someone who almost passed P.E.

May your message be ever in your favor.